hurting people hurt people

Three times recently, I have heard the message that “Hurting people hurt people.” What does this mean? Well,  it means that to get even is great, but to get ahead is even better. This is a message I believed for many years.

As a child, I was the recipient of my fair share of bullying and ridicule, usually focused on my appearance. Petite was an understatement. I was tiny, short, flat-chested, frizzy-haired, & plain. My laugh resembled Woody Woodpecker’s call and I had an annoying, nervous habit of giggling after EVERYthing I said. Essentially, I was instant fodder for being picked on. The boys would provide the emotional bullying through nasty words and mimicking of my laugh. The girls, ironically, did worse. They shunned me or were physically abusive, although it was nothing beyond pushing me out of the way while in a group or in line for the bus. Unfortunately, this pushing me around continued in college and beyond, by girlfriends who were taller than me and always had alcohol in them.

Even into my professional life, people felt they could bully me due to my small stature. But, by my mid-20’s, I had wisened up and gained confidence. My mantra became, “Don’t start any crap, but don’t take any either.” A story I often tell is of the time I worked in the financial aid office and two linebackers from the football team came in. Their refund checks had not been processed and everyone but myself had gone to a conference that day, leaving me to face these two men by myself and with no way to gain them the funds they were seeking. When they refused to leave my office, I looked them in the face and explained I could provide them a small amount of emergency University funds but other than that, they could sit there all day and it would get them nothing. The determined look on my face must have convinced them that my size was much smaller than my attitude and they accepted the funds. The next day, I received a phone call from the assistant football coach with his apologies.

This country does not need to wonder how we have a bullying problem. We’re surrounded by it every day. People not yielding in traffic. Reaching across someone at the grocery store for an item on the shelf without an apology. Threatening a law suit when things do not go as planned. Calling your congressman about the poor service you received at a business. And the list goes on. When parents, grandparents, guardians, or lawyers go stomping into a situation that their child (adult or minor) has found him or herself in and then threatens the teacher, the principal, the coach, the campus administrator, the professor, the RA – this provides a perfect example for that child. Bullying, verbally or physically, gets you what you want.

I try to remember when I am confronted by someone who is angry that they are are angry at their lack of control over the situation, not necessarily at me. The person feels they’ve been hurt, been wronged. In turn, they want to hurt someone else. This philosophy of mine is not always easy to apply, especially when people hurt us who say they do – or did – care about us. What is even more amazing are those among us who stand by the very people who hurt us, seemingly as gluttons for punishment. Despite their hurting us, we accept their behavior, sometimes even making excuses for it, and allow them to continue hurting us and others. Maybe we convince ourselves that it cannot continue forever, or we can reason with them to stop, or at least if they are hurting us, they are not hurting someone else.

Those abused in turn abuse someone else. Those cheated on in turn cheat in the next relationship. Those criticized in turn lash out with criticism to those below them in some pecking order. Abandoned children have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships as adults and the moment happiness or intimacy becomes real with someone, they run. Those never treated with respect in turn treat others with disdain. And, those bullied in turn push around weaker and smaller people. The cycle continues each time.

Hurting others is a learned behavior. A habit even. My Mom always told me that it takes doing something seven times for it to become a habit. We should all make this a new habit: “Pray for the people who have hurt you.” (Matthew 5:44)

Second Chances

Bob and Sue had three girls and multiple outdoor cats. One lazy and rainy Sunday afternoon following Church, their youngest child runs screaming into the living room where Bob had parked himself to watch football. “Scooter is dead! Scooter is dead! He’s been hit by a car!” So, off the family goes to the road in front of their house where the gray, tiger-striped cat lay. Bob then found a shovel and traipsed to the back yard. In the pouring rain, the family of five gathered around a small hole in the ground, offering a funeral service and ending with a prayer. Back everyone had gone to their Sunday afternoon plans, when their youngest again comes screaming into the living room, “Scooter’s BACK!” Everyone looked out the sliding glass door in disbelief to see their Scooter standing in the rain and begging to be fed. Their eyes slowly shifted to the corner spot in the yard where ‘Scooter’ was buried…still. No ground had been disturbed. Obviously, they had faithfully and lovingly given someone else’s cat his last rites.

There are many biblical lessons in this story. Do unto others… All creatures great and small… “I am the Resurrection and the Life”… but I prefer the lesson, ‘Second Chances.’ Jonah and the whale is a perfect example of this. Jonah was called by God to go to the city of Nineveh and call on the inhabitants of this wicked city to repent their sins. Frightened by the thought of confronting these people, Jonah instead boarded a boat and ran from his calling. God brought forth a horrible storm to the boat, during which Jonah was thrown overboard and swallowed by a large fish. While in the fish, surrounded by all the belly contents, Jonah calls out to God. Upon hearing him, God brings the fish to the shore where Jonah is deposited on land. Jonah quickly traveled to Nineveh, called upon the people to repent, and after their mass repentance followed a great revival. If we think further, other heroes of the Bible were all given second chances: Abraham was a liar; Jacob was a cheater; Moses was a murderer; David was an adulterer and murderer; Peter denied the Lord three times; and Paul arrested Christians and had them thrown in jail.

God is always there to give us a second chance. A second chance at parenting. A second chance at relationships. A second chance to get an education. A second chance for Him to love us. When we fail, this is not the be all, end all. God allows trying again, and possibly, failing again. This is no more evident than God having his only Son die on the cross for our sins. Once we confess our sins, God gives us that second chance as it is in our nature as humans to make mistakes. It is also in our nature to seek forgiveness, from God or others, and to be allowed a second chance. Every New Year’s, we make resolutions, some being the same as the New Year’s before. Each fall, school years begin again, allowing our children – and us – to start fresh in a new grade or level of academics.

While it is easier said than done, it is never too late to seek that second chance, or even harder, to give that second chance. Forgiveness is a powerful tool in our lives since it can be given and received, to and by all. One of the most admirable traits of dogs is their forgiving nature. As a foster mom to a rescue beagle, I have seen this first-hand. It was very evident that my foster, Auggie, had been previously mistreated when he arrived at my home. He was shaking, skittish around men, and it took well over six months for him to simply sit beside me on the couch. After much time and patience on both he and I’s parts, he now co-exists with me, two other beagles, and a cat. He rarely lets me out of his sight. Had God and I not given him that second chance to flourish, he would have been another shelter statistic. And yet, there he always is with those trusting eyes. Oh, and he’s still up for adoption if anyone is interested.

One of my favorite Bible teachers is Joyce Meyer who has taught me that we all must do ourselves a favor and forgive, and also, to give second chances. She has taught me to “forgive yourself for past sins and hurts you have caused others. You can’t pay people back, so ask God to.” She teaches that essentially, you are helping yourself when you forgive. You are relieving any hurt and pain you have caused or that has been done to you by ridding yourself “of all poison that comes from bitterness, resentment and unforgiveness.”

So now, I ask of you, what second chances are you seeking? But most importantly, what second chances are you willing to give?